The word unexpected does sufficiently summarize my journey as a lesbian searching for love. I’ve wanted to write about my personal dating experience as a lesbian for a long time, but somehow, I just never found the right words.
Also, I’ve been afraid of what people might think of me, what they may say, and my response to all of it. But, I think now is the right time.
See, I grew up in a strict Christian home. Sunday School was compulsory, and after that, my siblings and I were required to join our parents in the adult church for the main service, where we listened to nightmarish sermons about hellfire and brimstone if we dared falter off the narrow path.
As a teenager, I secretly dated boys. That’s what all the girls were doing, and I wasn’t going to be left out of being one of the cool kids. However, even after Jay pushed me against my front door to plant a salacious kiss on my teenage lips, I felt like I had betrayed myself. And I didn’t know why.
But, I knew that if my best friend Rene had kissed me instead, the experience would have been better. My mixed feelings gave me much to think about, and I knew I had to find the reason why. Thus began my quest for real love.
It’s been almost twenty years since that inappropriate kiss from Jay, and I’ve grown by leaps and bounds into a confident woman who knows exactly what she wants and how she wants it. I’ve been in my fair share of relationships with women, and I’ve learned a thing or two about dating as a lesbian.
So, when it comes to lesbian relationship advice – here’s what I know!
In this article we will cover...
- 1. Love is Love
- 2. Don’t Commit Too Fast
- 3. You Can Benefit From Therapy/Counselling
- 4. Flirt With Each Other
- 5. Don’t Put Pressure On Your Partner to Make You Whole
- 6. You’ll Have To Put Yourself First Sometimes
- 7. Masturbate For Practice And Communicate With Your Partner
- 8. Don’t Be Jealous
- 9. Be Honest To Yourself And Your Partner
- 10. Forgive And Move On
1. Love is Love
In my 20’s I was eager for love. I wanted to give it, and I wanted to receive it. But, I was choosy. And boy, did I make mistakes. I used to think that a lesbian could only date and find love with a lesbian, but how wrong I was. I met a girl, let’s call her Annie when I was 21.
Annie was bisexual, and I knew she had feelings for me. I felt the same way about her, but somehow, I thought that if she was bisexual, I wasn’t true to myself. Annie and I had so much fun hanging out together. We’d sit and discuss poetry for hours. But in the end, I chose to let her go because of her gender.
If I had known what I know now about gender, I would have held on to her. The truth is, we love who we love. And, if someone admires you, turns you on, inspires you, and makes you laugh, nothing else matters.
Differentiating genders doesn’t do you any good, and if you want to explore, a change might be what you need to liberate yourself. Now, all I believe in is keeping an open mind because I deserve passion, desire, pleasure, love, and attention from the person I love.
2. Don’t Commit Too Fast
Have you ever heard the U-Haul joke? That a lesbian brings a moving truck with her on a first date. Well, there’s a reason why it isn’t associated with gay or heterosexual couples.
When you’re in a new relationship, the first few months could feel like you’re drunk or stoned-in love. It’s like our bodies are producing their own heroin or cocaine. I learned later that this is due to the honeymoon phase, which is exceptionally strong in female-female couples.
When I was dating my ex, let’s call her Michelle, I could not see any flaws in her. I knew our relationship was meant to be, and I was convinced she was the one. The first time we had sex, I was committed for life and became convinced that our relationship would never end.
I had known her for less than a month, but that did not matter.
However, after nine months, reality checked in, and our relationship got rocky. Unfortunately, it didn’t survive because we didn’t deal with the foundation. We chose to overlook all the red flags from the beginning and concentrated instead on the fiery passion.
3. You Can Benefit From Therapy/Counselling
This tip isn’t limited to lesbian relationships. I’ve learned that romantic relationships take work and skill. While I didn’t possess all the skills required to make a successful relationship, neither did my partners.
Finding an effective couples therapist has helped me and my current girlfriend develop specific, implementable skills that aid us to work on our communication skills and our emotions in a constructive way.
For many people, sex is an excellent form of bonding in a relationship. So, a sex coach could help if a couple is having issues in the bedroom.
My girlfriend and I have received specialized training in sex and intimacy. As a result, we’re both more open with each other about exploration and personal boundaries.
4. Flirt With Each Other
When my girlfriend and I first saw a sex coach, we realized we were struggling with initiating sex. We both wanted it as much as the other did, but none of us was willing to initiate it. It turns out we weren’t the only ones struggling with this issue.
Many women- even those in heterosexual relationships- want to have more sex with their partners. However, they don’t want to be the first to request sex from their partners. And it does not come as easy as the lesbian movies or LGBT TV shows would have you believe.
In the quest to make our relationship, and sex life better, we discovered that we got into the habit of rushing romance or neglected it altogether because we wanted to commit.
We had to re-learn how to flirt, date, and romance each other. We had to learn how to be open about our desires and our need for romance and affection. Flirting and rekindling our sex life helped us have a much stronger bond than we’ve ever had.
5. Don’t Put Pressure On Your Partner to Make You Whole
French vanilla ice cream and spicy pumpkin pie are both delicious on their own. However, put them together, and you’ve got so much more. This is how an ideal relationship should look like. When I met Mia (my girlfriend), I was working through some deep issues and wasn’t happy about the direction my life was taking.
She brought me so much joy and happiness, but my past traumas were pulling me back. I knew I had to work on myself before I could commit to another relationship. It has taken hard work and patience to get where I am, and I’m still working on myself.
Mia has been an excellent partner, she’s supported me along the journey, but I’ve never wanted to make her feel like it’s her job to patch me back together. It’s my responsibility to do that. We mustn’t be in a co-dependent relationship if we want this to work out long-term. A healthy relationship consists of people that have the same values and are growing towards meeting their goals.
6. You’ll Have To Put Yourself First Sometimes
After speaking to some of my lesbian friends during a tumultuous relationship, I realized that it’s common for us women who love women to disappear into each other. Before you meet your partner, you have a life: friends you care for, hobbies you’re passionate about, and goals you need to achieve.
Concentrating on the passion of a relationship can make you forget about who you truly are. Don’t let go of things you enjoy doing just because you’re in a relationship.
Keep your emotions in check and prioritize your needs. If you find yourself losing focus of your priorities and doing more of what your partner considers as theirs, ask yourself: ‘Am I enjoying doing this, or am I doing it because it makes her happy?’.
You can still enjoy a happy, healthy relationship even as you focus on your goals and your priorities. If you need to get in touch with yourself, it’s ok to take a break. Ask for some time away together, and be confident that your partner will love you even more for wanting to improve yourself.
Keep in mind that I’m not suggesting you end the relationship. All I’m saying is that you should acknowledge that you’ve lost a part of yourself that you need to reclaim. Maybe your partner feels the same way about themselves.
7. Masturbate For Practice And Communicate With Your Partner
Before I even found out that vulva-on-vulva sex was even possible, I discovered masturbation. Not only did it give me the sexual release I craved at the time, but it helped me learn how a woman’s body was made. If someone could have helped me with this earlier, it might have been the best lesbian relationship advice I’d have ever received. Of course, we’re all different, but I’m sure you get the general idea.
If masturbation isn’t for you, that’s ok.
You can discover your body by placing a mirror between your legs and having a good look. Your partners’ may not look the same as yours, but you’ll find that the geography is generally similar. If you’re nervous about having sex with your partner for the first time, talk about it. I know it helped clear some things for me.
You don’t have to show up with a notebook to jot your points down, but it would help if you looked up some lesbian sex tips, practice touching with your partner, or talking dirty to each other. This way, you understand what each of you is comfortable trying.
8. Don’t Be Jealous
I’ve been afflicted by jealousy before, and I can tell you for a fact that it is a disease. I’ve experienced a pretty traumatic relationship in the past that resulted in me having a poor self-image and low self-esteem. Trust me, when you’re not confident in yourself and the value you bring into a relationship, that’s the worst time to get into one.
Some of the hardest fights Mia and I have had happened early in the relationship. While some of them resulted from two people realizing their partner had flaws, others were caused by jealousy from me and threatened to take over our relationship.
For one, I could never understand why Mia wanted to spend time with her friends rather than me. At some point, I had convinced myself that she would cheat on me just like my ex, and I was turning into a control freak.
I had to have a tough conversation with myself and force myself to see what I was doing wrong.
9. Be Honest To Yourself And Your Partner
It’s almost impossible to be honest with your partner if you aren’t truthful to yourself. No matter what kind of issue you’re having, you have to be honest and evaluate the situation from a neutral angle. You cannot be in a healthy relationship without being honest.
And, as a lesbian who knows, I can confidently say that respect goes to a partner who is honest about their opinions and feelings no matter how difficult the situation may seem.
Honesty in all of your relationships will start and end with you, so cherish it as much as you can.
10. Forgive And Move On
Forgiveness is powerful, but many of us underrate it. Relationships will always have issues. But, the only thing that’ll help you move on and grow as a person is to forgive. Forgive yourself for putting yourself in situations that hurt you, and forgive your partner for hurting you.
There’s no need to dwell on something that happened last month. Figure out what you need to change as a couple and move past mistakes together. Don’t carry the past into your future because it will erode a beautiful relationship.
Just like all other relationships, Mia and I have found that we need to compromise with each other. However, even compromising requires certain boundaries. We each understand that relationships take work and time to grow. We hope that we shall be together in the long term.
For now, we hold on to each other and keep learning…