Queer Sex Maestro, Kink Connoisseur & Erotic Wordsmith crafting sultry, safe escapades into non-vanilla terrains!
Gay domination and BDSM has probably existed for as long as humans have been having sex. Like many other concepts related to sexuality and sensuality, it has probably been called different names throughout history.
The constant, though, remains that some people get off in giving orders, while others are turned on by receiving them. These people are likely to seek out each other and other like-minded individuals, usually to form a community with.
Within the BDSM community, different sexualities still exist, although historically, the queer community has been most involved in the Dom/sub lifestyle. The reason for this may be that the alternative nature of the BDSM scene resonates with them as members of a group that already exists on the sidelines.
As gay men come into their own and start to explore their sexuality, there is a natural progression to discovering other types of non-vanilla sexual activities. They usually get involved in BDSM, leather play, furry play, etc. All these practices are beneficial for developing not just a sense of self-worth and pride but communication, trust, and negotiation skills. These skills are valuable in sexual, intimate relationships and normal, daily interactions.
Before we get into gay domination specifically, let’s talk briefly and explain what BDSM is. It’s an acronym that covers a whole realm of practices. B/D stands for bondage and discipline. D/s stands for dominance and submission (The ‘D’ is usually capitalized to stand for the dominant while the ‘s’ is usually small to show the position of the submissive in relation to the dominant), and S/M stands for Sadism and Masochism.
Let’s start with B/D. Bondage and discipline. Bondage and discipline are, in one way or another, present in every BDSM relationship. Bondage involves restraining a partner or partners with a range of equipment. The restraints may be strips of cloth, scarves, belts, or ties. They may also be more hardcore equipment such as zip ties, handcuffs, velcro, and even chains. Bondage may be carried out as part of a scene, or bondage equipment may be included as part of the submissive’s outfit.
Rope ties and handcuffs may not be to everybody’s taste, but for the BDSM dynamic to exist, there must be a form of discipline. Discipline is play that involves an element of control and punishment. The Dom usually has rules or guidelines for the sub to follow. The rules may be as simple as adding an honorific when addressing the Dom, and as complex as instructions for eating, sleeping, and even dressing up.
Some subs may be turned on by their master’s approval and may try their very best to obey the rules. Some others may get off on being ‘bad’, and may deliberately break the rules so that they can be punished. Punishment can be a verbal reprimand, light spankings and flogging, and even a whole session that could last for hours. In all this, the ultimate control rests with the sub, as they can withdraw consent at any time, bringing the punishment to an end.
The D/s aspect of BDSM illustrates the uneven distribution of power in a BDSM relationship. One person usually assumes the dominant role, while the other is submissive. The dominant partner is usually called Dom (or Domme, for women and femmes who prefer this version), while the submissive is usually called sub. A BDSM enthusiast who can play either role is known as a Switch.
Some practitioners of BDSM employ the Dom/sub dynamic only during sex. Outside the bedroom, such roles are discarded, and partners interact on an even footing. On the other hand, some maintain the D/s. Dynamic during more mundane activities, such as meals, work, and even conversations. There are no gender specifications as to who can play which role.
Men, women, and even non-binary people can be Doms, subs, and switches. The dominant is assertive and in control of the situation. They usually give instructions and rules, which the sub is expected to obey. The sub, for their part, must be obedient and yielding. These dynamics are maintained until either party signals in some pre-arranged way that they want to temporarily or permanently end the dynamic.
One of the common ways of doing this is by using a safe word. A safe word is a pre-agreed word or set of words that are used as cues during a scene. ‘Yes’ and ‘no’ can sometimes be used, but in some situations like orgasm denial and some types of role-play, ‘Yes’ and ‘no’ may take other meanings, and that type of ambiguity may be a source of confusion.
As a result, more stand-out words may be used. A popular method is usually color codes. ‘Red’ can mean stop, ‘yellow’ can mean ready, and ‘green’ can mean go. Random nouns like names of fruit, cities, and objects can be used. Some veteran practitioners suggest jarring words that would be able to pull the partners out of the scene, bringing it to an end.
Next, we will address the S/M aspect of BDSM. This area is more specific, as not everyone who dabbles in BDSM is interested in sadism and masochism. Sadists derive pleasure from inflicting pain and humiliation on others, while masochists enjoy being hurt and humiliated. Masochists are sometimes called pain sluts or pain whores. Even sadists and masochists are divided into groups based on the amount of pain they can inflict/tolerate.
Some enjoy light spanking, paddling, or flogging (all of which are referred to as impact play). Others may want the spanking and whipping to be firm, to the point of leaving welts or marks. Some others still prefer more intense actions, like cutting, branding, and burning. All of these fall under S & M. Communication is vital during pain play, as it’s important for either partner not to cross the boundaries the other person has set.
Now that we’ve run through the scope of BDSM, let’s talk about how you can get into it as a gay man. Gay people in any space tend to gravitate towards each other, so the odds that you already know those whose orientation is similar to yours around you. If you’re in a new location, though, you’ll have to begin by seeking out the gay community in your area.
You can do this by going to bars or clubs or even by signing up on sites like Grindr or even Facebook. If you’re using an hook up app or website, there should be a place to indicate your preferences. You can then put whatever tastes you have, including BDSM and other kinks.
Once you’ve made it clear that you’re into BDSM, you’ll likely find people with similar interests. You can then arrange to meet. If you’re skeptical about online connections, check out the BDSM-related bars and clubs in your city.
Leather bars, fetish clubs, and kink parties are all great places to cruise and live out your gay domination dreams. You should keep your preferences in mind as you do so. If you’re a sadist Dom who’s also a rigger (a rope bondage specialist), you should look for a masochist sub who likes being tied up. Before we go any further, we’d like to state that BDSM relationships are not necessarily between two people. They can consist of one sub and multiple Doms or one Dom and multiple subs. The latter is more popular, though, as Doms may not enjoy sharing their sub.
When you’ve found a potential partner, the two of you need to discuss the scope of your relationship. It’s not as dramatic as Fifty Shades of Grey makes it seem, but laws do have to be made about soft and hard limits, safe words, aftercare, etc. Again, these things can not be written up in a contract and signed, as consent is ongoing and can be given and withdrawn at any time, but it helps to get a vague picture of how far you are willing to go in your relationship.
We’ve said all this on the assumption that you’ve got at least some experience in BDSM, but if you’re a beginner, be sure to do thorough research before you embark on the journey. Power plays a huge part in Dom/sub relationships, and there’s going to be a lot of giving/receiving of power. You should do a lot of research to learn about the different aspects and decide which you’d be comfortable with. Read widely, talk to people living the lifestyle and listen to what they have to say. After this, the next thing is to find a trusted partner with whom you can explore.
Don’t try to plunge into the deep end of BDSM. Start with light control and domination, perhaps some gentle spanking and amateur bondage. Explore what feels good to you before you move forward, and always make consent a priority. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured or rushed into something you’re not one hundred percent comfortable with. Play safe. Use protection, have safe words, and have a first aid kit and an emergency number within reach, in case something goes wrong.
Whether you’re new at gay domination and BDSM or a veteran, you’ll find that there’s no end to learning and discovering different facets of the lifestyle. Just make sure you stay safe and have fun doing it.
