There are many gender identities and sexual orientations that anyone can feel connected to or identify with.
More and more terms have been popularized over the years to represents the emotions and experiences of queer individuals and if you aren’t immersed in the LGBTQ+ culture or the queer community, you might not recognize a few sexual orientations and gender identities due to a lack of representation in mainstream media.
One such term is demisexual. Sadly it is one of the more misunderstood sexual orientations, so we are going to talk about what does it mean to be a demisexual, how it differs from different sexual orientations, discuss the demisexual pride flag and its colors, then help you with some information to become a better ally to the demisexual community.
Below is more information about demisexuality, how it differs from different sexual orientations, and how to be a better LGBT ally.
In this article we will cover...
- What Does Demisexual Mean?
- Demisexual Pride Flag Meaning
- When Is Demisexual Pride Day?
- Other Demisexual Information to Help You Be an Ally
What Does Demisexual Mean?
Demisexuality is a type of sexual orientation or sexuality. Demisexual people tend to form a strong emotional connection or bond with someone before they experience sexual orientation.
People who only experience sexual attraction to those they have strong bonds with are called demisexual. Unlike other people, demisexuals rarely feel the need to engage in sexual activities or feel sexual attraction. Other people may experience sexual attraction to people they meet for the first time in a club, or during other social activities.
This attraction may come from only seeing the other person and may be due to physical attraction. However, a demisexual will only experience sexual attraction towards someone they’ve most likely known for a while longer or with whom they’ve developed a strong emotional bond.
Even if they experience sexual attraction to someone, the urge to act on their feeling or engage in any sexual activity typically isn’t very strong. Some demisexuals never have the urge to engage in sexual activity even if they’re emotionally connected to someone. This is different yet similar to asexuality, and almost completely opposite to an aromantic person who doesn’t experience romantic interest or attraction in romantic relationships.
While this is a general definition, if you are wanting to know what does demisexual mean to a specific individual, it is often best to ask them to define it in their own words for you. Be mindful that while some identities may have only slight differences from others, they may still mean a lot to someone.
All you need to remember is that everyone’s experience of gender and attraction is different – and that it is for them alone to define.
Demisexual Pride Flag Meaning
Most queer identities have their own LGBTQ flag and demisexuals are no exception. The demisexual pride flag has a black triangle coming out of it’s left side. It has a thick white line on the top followed by a thin purple one in the middle, then a thick gray one at the bottom.
The Demisexual flag is a symbol for those who are only sexually attracted to those they have a strong emotional connection to. Black is for asexuality, Gray is for demisexuality, white is for sexuality and purple is for community.
When Is Demisexual Pride Day?
Awareness, visibility, remembrance, and celebration are all important in increasing the acceptance and recognition of queer identities and queer folx around the world. By observing an international day for demisexuality, it is easier for demisexuals to talk to friends and loved ones – and to feel the love.
It also helps foster awareness and increased sensitives from society at large.
So, mark your calendar and plan something special (even if it is just a social media post!) for June 8th, which is Demisexuality Pride Day.
Other Demisexual Information to Help You Be an Ally
Read up on the identity
The first thing that you need to do to become a better straight ally to demisexual people is to read up on the identity. Just like what you’re doing now.
Try to avoid assuming that everyone requires romance or sex in order to be happy. This way you can allow the person or the demisexual that’s close to you to choose their own paths.
Accept their relationship choices
Another important aspect of being an excellent ally to demisexual people is to accept the choices they make in their relationships. Keep in mind that the people they chose may have an additional or differing sexual identity.
Whether the additional identity is lesbian, gay, pansexual, non-binary, or transgender, try not to ask intrusive questions when it comes to their sex life. If they experience discrimination be there for them and call it out, or help educate other people about their sexual orientation.
Change the stereotype
There’s a common misconception that’s demisexual individuals will only wait until they’re in love to have sex. However, this is false and may not always be the case for all individuals.
Demisexuals sometimes can and may engage in sexual activity without this kind of connection. However many people have sex without forming strong emotional bonds. This includes demisexuals for the simple reason that people have sex for different reasons.
Clear your head
Even if you don’t acknowledge it, you most likely have biases and prejudices that you should confront. It might be uncomfortable for you to realize it at first, but once you realize what they are, you will be able to confront them.
Confronting your biases includes educating yourself about what being demisexual is. Remember that the LGBTQ community no longer uses derogatory terms such as ‘homo’ or ‘homosexual’. Many prefer instead to use the term ‘gay’, ‘queer’, or ‘lesbian’ to describe themselves, and the most commonly used pronouns for genderqueer folx are ‘they/them/theirs.
Never, ever, ever say “it” – because only a bad human would want to refer to another human in this way – regardless of gender or sexual identity.
Some people like to make crude comments or derogatory remarks and jokes towards queer folx. If you hear such remarks against your friend or other people in the queer community, speak up against such prejudices and let them know it isn’t right to encourage or take part in it.
The same goes for any jokes that are at others’ expense, especially queer marginalized communities and misunderstood identities such as intersex, asexual, transgender, demigirl, demiboy, and genderfluid. We are not here to be the butt of any jokes – and quite frankly, are sick of it. It is not – and never was – OK.
Most times, offensive material is circulated on social media or WhatsApp. Remember to tell people that are making such comments why it’s wrong to do that.
They can experience other types of attraction
Don’t be shocked when the demisexual in your life experiences other kinds of attraction. They experience other types of attraction such as emotional attraction where they need an emotional connection with someone. They may also experience platonic attraction which is simply wanting to be friends with someone.
Demisexuals also experience aesthetic attraction which is being attracted to someone according to how they look, and romantic attraction which is the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone. Lastly, demisexuals may also experience physical or sexual attraction which is wanting to cuddle hold or touch someone.
If your partner identifies as demisexual
The first thing you want to do if your personal identifies as demisexual is to acknowledge their boundaries. It’s important to not pressure them into having sex.
Due to their demisexuality, your partner is likely to have a lower sex drive than you. If you feel that they simply aren’t interested in sex and you need to bring it up, it’s better to form ‘I’ perspectives around what you’re saying. A bridge statement is also essential if you want to understand how they feel.
Here are examples of what you should say:
- It saddens me that we haven’t had sex in a while, I miss that kind of intimacy.
- I would like to create a time where we can be together and get sensual. From there we can see how things go.
- Am I making sense? I’d really love to know how you feel about hearing this desire.
Once you say this to your partner, they may reflect on what you’ve just told them. They may also appreciate you for sharing your feelings and tell you that they miss physical intimacy with you too and that they’d want to create space for it.
When you use such statements, you allow your partner to hear what you feel as they get into the space of how you might once to be physical together. In addition, such statements allow your partner to reflect on a response that tells you they’ve heard what you’re trying to say.
During such conversations, while it may be important to find a solution, but don’t always put pressure on your partner for that to happen. Your focus should be on maintaining a deep connection with your partner. Keep in mind that you shouldn’t rush things. Take your time to talk things through and allow the intimacy to build up naturally.
Building an emotional connection with your partner is essential to building a sexual connection with a demisexual partner. While different, this guide to dating an asexual person may provide some guidance and understanding.
Understand that sex isn’t the only way of exploring intimacy with your partner. You can use love languages to find out how each one of you best feels loved. Your love language communicates how you and your partner express and understand love and appreciation.
We communicate our love to our partners in different ways so it’s always a good idea to understand how to build intimacy with your partner in other ways. This is a great way of avoiding hurt and encouraging more appreciation and gratitude for the connection you have.