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The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

4.6 out of 5 stars 4,017 ratings

The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.

Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

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  1. Listening Length
    7 hours and 14 minutes
  2. Author
    Alan Downs Ph. D
  3. Narrator
    Alan Downs Ph. D
  4. Audible release date
    June 12, 2012
  5. Language
    English
  6. Publisher
    HighBridge, a division of Recorded Books
  7. ASIN
    B008ARPH2G
  8. Version
    Unabridged
  9. Program Type
    Audiobook
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Product details

Listening Length 7 hours and 14 minutes
Author Alan Downs Ph. D
Narrator Alan Downs Ph. D
Whispersync for Voice Ready
Audible.com Release Date June 12, 2012
Publisher HighBridge, a division of Recorded Books
Program Type Audiobook
Version Unabridged
Language English
ASIN B008ARPH2G
Best Sellers Rank #20,190 in Audible Books & Originals (See Top 100 in Audible Books & Originals)
#9 in LGBTQ+ Studies (Audible Books & Originals)
#24 in LGBTQ+ Demographic Studies
#85 in General Gender Studies

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4,017 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find this book to be a required read for gay men, with one noting it serves as an eye-opener. Moreover, the book provides professional psychology wisdom and helps readers understand unique struggles. Additionally, customers report experiencing more joy after reading it, with one describing it as overflowing with "aha! moments." The book also helps build self-esteem, with one customer mentioning it provides the confidence to stand up without shame.

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201 customers mention "Insight"186 positive15 negative

Customers find the book insightful, with one mentioning how it helps understand the unique struggles of growing up gay in a straight man's world, while another notes its professional psychology wisdom.

"...and do the work presented in it, I believe this book will change your life forever...." Read more

"...But, nonetheless, it provides a good refresher, and if you have a challenging relationship today, there is a good likelihood this book will..." Read more

"...facing your shame, taking responsibility for your actions, being completely honest, and self-examining oneself completely...." Read more

"...to authentic living for the gay male, "The Velvet Rage," is a valuable self-help tool for gay men struggling to break free from a life of insecurity..." Read more

201 customers mention "Readability"191 positive10 negative

Customers find the book highly readable, describing it as a meaningful and entertaining read that serves as a required read for all gay men.

"...came when I was ready so I read it and it was one of the best books I've ever read...." Read more

"Brilliant, Insightful, Deep! This book is for anyone who felt grossly inadequate, flawed, bullied, or an outsider as a child...." Read more

"...This is especially a great book for someone who has been unceremoniously dumped from what they thought was a good, functioning, growing relationship..." Read more

"...Despites these omissions, "The Velvet Rage" is still a very enlightening read. The last quarter of the book is particularly helpful...." Read more

10 customers mention "Joy"7 positive3 negative

Customers report experiencing more joy after reading the book, with one noting it's overflowing with "aha! moments" and another describing it as amazingly profound.

"...result of learning and practicing these skills, I am gradually experiencing more joy, contentment, and inner peace...." Read more

"...Relationship changing. Healing. Insightful and overflowing with "aha!" moments. I wish I had had this book 25 years ago...." Read more

"...As a guy in my late 20s, I think this book is too dark. It has a gloomy, sort of Freudian take on what it means to be a gay man, and it speaks to a..." Read more

"...stand up without shame and reclaim my right to a healthy, passionate, joyous, life of integrity...." Read more

6 customers mention "Self esteem"6 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's positive impact on self-esteem, with reviews mentioning how it helps readers build confidence, stand up without shame, and become their very best selves.

"...As you read, you may find yourself finding insights and freedom...." Read more

"...It renewed my courage and self-confidence to stand up without shame and reclaim my right to a healthy, passionate, joyous, life of integrity...." Read more

"...access to their long forbidden and disowned feelings, and sets them free to be themselves...." Read more

"...life while at the same time loving yourself alot more and building your self esteem." Read more

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Top reviews from the United States

  • JW
    5.0 out of 5 stars Valuable insight that can change your life.
    Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2015
    Verified Purchase
    If you are willing to look at yourself in an honest & compassionate way, don't forget that part it's very important, and do the work presented in it, I believe this book will change your life forever. Alan observes that gay men grow up in a world where they were forced to hide themselves. This was very true for me, Doctor Downs then asserts that also later in life the gay man never develops their own authenticity & thus is not able to experience real joy in life, because of toxic shame. The gay man then exhibits all the stereotypical behaviors that we all know gay men exhibit, this is done to compensate for or avoid that shame which it really doesn't. Some things that the gay man does, some of which I had done myself, to avoid toxic shame are: their insatiable taste for fast & furious sex, equally fast & furious relationships with men, the quest for the perfect body (their own or someone else's), the perfect sexual partner (of the moment), the perfect latest styles, the perfect decorated home in the perfect zip code, the performing flawlessly at their perfect job, having the the perfect social life with their perfect friends, lastly the perfectly caddy condemning judgmental social behaviors that might be entertaining for awhile but really don't serve anyone, least of all the man doing them. Where does the rage come in all of this? Well, when the gay man doesn't get their way in any of the above & a circumstance reveals any of those things above in life that are not perfect, that one hair out of place, being caught wearing last seasons fashions, or anything that would reveal the gay man to be human & imperfect, out comes the little shame monster & the velvet rage. Do you see your own pattern in yourself in any of those? Don't worry, I did... And to be honest it caused me to put down the book for awhile, because I wasn't ready. I dint have the understanding or compassion for myself. The day eventually came when I was ready so I read it and it was one of the best books I've ever read. I know not all gay men express themselves in the ways I mentioned, but sadly many do. If you do, and want to find a way out of that & have a real life filled with joy then read this book! Alan Downs gives you the tools here to practice living a joyful authentic life.
    Namaste
    14 people found this helpful
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  • Wrecks
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great for any childhood trauma
    Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2012
    Verified Purchase
    Brilliant, Insightful, Deep! This book is for anyone who felt grossly inadequate, flawed, bullied, or an outsider as a child. Whether the trauma was embarrassment about your family, your personal flaws, or any secret, this book walks the reader through the ways we compensate in childhood. These childhood adaptations are limited by our development and options at the time. However, we get so good at protecting and hiding our flaws or shame that we never reopen the thought patterns around the wound to see if, as a developed adult with adult options, we can free ourselves from the boundaries and consequential life we created to compensate. I've explored human potential for decades and found this book to be profound. It's a lot of material and requires introspection. But, it came with experiential rewards when it "clicked." The author provides many examples from his therapy practice which illustrate his point and the patient's ultimate insight and healing.

    Admittedly, only the first half of the book brilliantly deals with freeing ourselves of childhood shame, the second half of the book deals more with the ways that we have become socially challenged in relationships. I found the second half to be material I had heard in other places, and some of it might seem like common sense. But, nonetheless, it provides a good refresher, and if you have a challenging relationship today, there is a good likelihood this book will help.

    Well worth the time if you have something inside that you protect or are reluctant to share with others. As you read, you may find yourself finding insights and freedom. You can begin to see how your life and relationships have been far less based on your own free-will than you realized. Instead, you may discover your life has been largely designed to continuously validate a life perspective developed with the capabilities and emotional maturity of a child. It's time to reinvent yourself with an adult perspective freed from the limitations imposed by shame.
    10 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Client Kindle
    5.0 out of 5 stars Reading it many times
    Reviewed in France on March 27, 2025
    Verified Purchase
    Life changing book. Must read for all the people who want to understand what gay people are going through. Thank you.
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  • Jorge González
    5.0 out of 5 stars Very recommended literature.
    Reviewed in Mexico on July 30, 2017
    Verified Purchase
    I feel that, for a homosexual man, reading this book works like visits to the psychiatrist. It allows you to get to understand yourself better how your mind and personality has been influenced throughout the years by the rejection of the people around you while they point fingers at you. And for those around gay people who are family and friends, it gives a windows to the feelings they grow up with and the great positive impact that it has on the gay people when they experience their acceptance. Since it is nowadays absolutely likely that all count at least a homosexual person among our friends or family, this book is highly recommended to everybody.
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  • VG Lover
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great essay on gay behaviour and self acceptance
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 2, 2014
    Verified Purchase
    I found this book very elucidating of the reasons behind gay problems and gay lifestyle. The stages described make sense and can be identified either with oneself or those in the circle of friends. The book can be benefitial to help those struggling with their own demons, regarding accepting who and what they are and how they can mange their emotional responses and their relationships.

    The book is well structured and focus many sensitive matters that should make the reader meditate about many issues with which one might feel identified with. From the problematic of assuming sexuality to others and to oneself, the identity crisis with which gay men have to struggle, often through their entire lives is well explained. Other issues arasing or persisting, even after the voluntary public revelation of sexuality, e.g. alcohol and other substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, unreasonable risk taking, fictation on body image, fashion and career and the ephemerity and instability of relationships, are well linked to the initial problematic in the way they both are its biproducts and yet refeed its severity. Unlike the believe in a good portion of the gay community that such behaviours are normal and acceptable, the message about their significance as mere signs and symptoms of the disease that worsen the whole picture is evident.

    However, a few things make one feel cautious while considerating the content of this book. First, it is based solely on the authors and his patients experiences, and is not a proved recipe in all social and cultural backgrounds. Both author and patients mentioned live in the USA and come mostly from a upper middle of even upper class background. Second, there is little to no mention of the role of the gay community itself, specially that orbiting around the so called "gay scene", in perpretrating the same kind of erroneous and abusive approach to the gay problematic. Although it can be seen implicit the idea of this phenomenon as a consequence of an aggregating effect of the individual "velvet rage's", there is no discussion or evidence that this phenomenon is further aggavated by the community itself. Finnally, the psychological problems associated with the lack of syntony between the gay men in a straight world context did not become so evidently different from similar problems lived by straight individuals who do feel different from the rest of society for other reasons, apart from the trigger.

    In conclusion, it is an excellent reading. Despite the validating issues mentioned, it is useful to help solve many of psychological and emotional problems of many gay men both at individual level and at a the level of its closer relationships. The tools are there to help them and their close ones to ease the pain and improve their way of life.
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  • Marc
    5.0 out of 5 stars Must-read
    Reviewed in Spain on March 22, 2019
    Verified Purchase
    Todo el mundo debería leer este libro, tenga la orientación sexual que tenga. Hay mucha realidad donde mucho/as se podran sentir reflejados.
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  • Elena
    5.0 out of 5 stars Per capire chi ti è accanto
    Reviewed in Italy on October 24, 2019
    Verified Purchase
    Non mi è assolutamente piaciuto il fatto che non esista un'edizione tradotta in italiano.
    Mi è piaciuta l'analisi fatta dall'infanzia alla maturità con chiarezza e lucidità. Utile sia al singolo omosessuale che alla famiglia stessa di origine.
    Non mi è piaciuto il contesto socio-economico in cui prevalentemente è ambientato il libro, forse troppo elevato per essere un contesto standard.
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