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How to Understand Your Gender Paperback – September 21, 2017

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 201 ratings

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'For anyone who's ever wished they had a smart, kind, friend with whom they could calmly and safely discuss gender issues: this most excellent book is that kind of friend'. - Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw

Have you ever questioned your own gender identity? Do you know somebody who is transgender or who identifies as non-binary? Do you ever feel confused when people talk about gender diversity?

This down-to-earth guide is for anybody who wants to know more about gender, from its biology, history and sociology, to how it plays a role in our relationships and interactions with family, friends, partners and strangers. It looks at practical ways people can express their own gender, and will help you to understand people whose gender might be different from your own. With activities and points for reflection throughout, this book will help people of all genders engage with gender diversity and explore the ideas in the book in relation to their own lived experiences.

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Editorial Reviews

Review

Wherever you are on your gender adventure, this book will be helpful to you. Beyond the headlines, gender is a personal journey - and for anyone struggling to find their way, this is the compassionate, accessible manual the world has been waiting for. -- Laurie Penny, journalist, activist and author of Unspeakable Things

The authors have made adequate time for Indigenous and Two Spirit identities and people. Talking about decolonizing the gender narrative in a way that traces back to the very roots of the first peoples in a place is something that is crucial in providing understanding, but is often ignored or overlooked.
Hands down, I will recommend this book for anybody looking to learn more about gender and sexuality. It's an amazing resource for ALL, regardless of identity, experience or knowledge. I fell head over heels with this book, and I can't wait to shout it from the rooftops! -- Katrina Werchouski, Director of Indigenous Cultures Center, Northland College

If you want to finally discard the narrow confines of gender and sexuality and explore the vast landscapes of gender and sexual imagination, this is your book! -- Jayashree George, Lecturer, School of the Art Institute of Chicago

How to Understand Your Gender is a thoughtful, intersectional, embodied invitation to reflect on gender. It has something to offer to readers at every stage of their gender journey, and is a valuable tool for educators and clinicians. -- Zena Sharman, PhD, editor of The Remedy: Queer and Trans Voices on Health and Health Care and Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme

For anyone who's ever wished they had a smart, kind, friend with whom they could calmly and safely discuss gender issues: this most excellent book is that kind of friend. -- Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw

As a trans masculine person [...] I identified with so much, over and over again. Not only did this validate my own journey but it offered me access to the joys and difficulties of others and I felt less alone. This book will travel with me, it's not a one off read, but a guide I can dip in and out of whenever I feel the need. -- Wenn Lawson, author of Transitioning Together

How to Understand Your Gender is a practical entry level guidebook for people who wish to challenge gender binarism, and should contribute to binarism's ongoing evolution. -- Jane Haile, New York Journal of Books

Book Description

The ultimate gender diversity bible, explaining how gender works so everyone can better understand gender identity, roles and expressions

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1785927469
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Jessica Kingsley Publishers (September 21, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 288 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781785927461
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1785927461
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 9.8 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.51 x 0.94 x 8.43 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 201 ratings

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4.6 out of 5 stars
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on December 28, 2018
    The gender binary is toxic.

    It should be obvious by now that the gender binary is a total construct. The idea of trying to force these hyper-masculine and hyper-feminine roles and ideologies on people based on biological sex is ludicrous if you think about it.

    On top of that, what is masculine and what is feminine is also a construct.

    This whole system needs to be deconstructed.

    It seems kind of silly. And arbitrary.

    Ok, so maybe this stuff has been obvious to a lot of people, but as a straight cis male, it’s not something I’ve given a ton of thought to, regardless of my support for the LGBT community.

    I mean, I’ve known that the gender binary was problematic, but after thinking about it, I realize it’s just plain stupid and nonsensical.

    I remember once when I was little, I put a barrette into my brother’s hair. When my dad saw what I did he was pissed, and I was punished for this infraction by wearing a barrette in my hair for the rest of the day. Because what worse punishment could there be for little boy than wearing something a little girl has to wear? I’m sorry, but the gender binary is just f***ing toxic.

    Many people trying to force this gender binary results in abuse, destroyed relationships, and homeless kids. And, no, I don’t think I’m being dramatic.

    I remember being shamed by family for not cutting my nails when they needed it. “Hey, sweetie, want some nail polish?”

    And in my home we barely touched the tip of that iceberg. I know I was a disappointment to my father for not being the athletic boy he wanted. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be gay - or even slightly feminine.

    But reading this book has made me do a lot of thinking. I started it a few months ago, read about ½ of it, and then came back to it just recently and started it over.

    It’s helped me to understand what other people might be going through - but even to understand myself, a cis het male, even better.

    Growing up, I didn’t fit the mold of how boys were supposed to be. Mainly, I wasn’t a misogynist jerk. Which, oddly, I sometimes feel like kept me from dating. (Since I didn’t aggressively cat-call and leer at and sexually objectify girls, I think a lot of people assumed I wasn’t straight.)

    I can see how straight cis male groups have been closed to me. Well - because my gender expression is male, these groups weren’t “closed” - but I felt like an outsider because everything else about me relates to women better. I’m more comfortable with women. I prefer talking to women. At the risk of sounding sexist, women (to me) appear to be smarter, kinder, and more interesting. So being in The South™, it’s not quite so easy to jump into groups of men (when married couples here get together, they often segregate by gender) and feel comfortable and talkative. Especially when they’re talking about nothing I have any interest in. Football. Hunting. Guns. Sometimes when the conversation turns around to work it gets interesting. And if movies come up (thank god!) I actually can add to the conversation. But most of the time, I hate it. It took me 15 years in North Alabama to find men that I could carry on conversations with.

    They raise some great questions in the book.

    Why is gender identity suddenly a thing? (It’s not, BTW.)

    Why are we so fixated on labeling people’s gender? (I don’t know.)

    When I relate so well to the feminine, why am I so comfortable expressing myself as masculine? (Is it because it feels right to me - or because I was socialized for it to feel right to me?) [The book didn’t raise this question - I did as I was reading it.]

    In history, how has the world approached gender identity? (Spoiler, Christianity and colonization has messed this up beyond belief.)

    I highly recommend this book to anyone who might be interested in gender identity. It covers a lot of bases.
    80 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on January 25, 2021
    I really enjoyed reading this book it cleared up many questions I had about my Gender Identity and I hope it can do the same for others as well. This book is a great guide for anyone questioning their Gender Identity and has a lot of helpful resources as well and is really well laid out. I would recommend this book for any reader out there.
    4 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on May 16, 2024
    It is a good book for people trying to understand their gender identity.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on July 27, 2020
    A great overview on aspects of gender that isn’t overly academic. Lots of great reflection points and optional activities to help you personalize the contents.
    4 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on April 23, 2019
    Even as a binary trans man that’s been out for ten years, this book blew me away with its insights and made me question some of my own binary perspectives
    5 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on June 9, 2021
    There are good messages here, and I agree with all of them, but unfortunately they're all drowned in an endless sea of pedantic repetition.

    There isn't a single thing in this book I can disagree with, but...the book is just not readable.

    The authors don't seem to be able to make one single, basic statement without inflating it into an entire paragraph of all...the same...technically correct, pedantic..."political correctness" boilerplate they go out of their way to repeat for eeeeevery single basic statement in the entire book.

    Entire sections would boil down to basic individual sentences, and the entire book would be distilled to little more than a pamphlet if it weren't for all the constantly duplicated mountains of pedantric PC repetition that preceeds EVERY SINGLE BASIC STATEMENT IN THE ENTIRE BOOK.

    When I was in college and took a sociology course, my professor described my writing style with the word "constipated". And I agree! But I hand over my "constipated writing style champion" crown over to the far more deserving authors of this book.
    9 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on January 9, 2018
    A profound *and* accessible book. Full of great nuggets for those who are in any step in their gender journey, and for those who may want new ways to communicate with their loved ones about their identity. Highly recommended!
    4 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on April 14, 2019
    This book should be necessary reading. It’s so helpful and does a great job of describing this concept for people new to the idea of non-binary
    5 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • P A
    4.0 out of 5 stars Interessante per capire il concetto di ‘Gender’
    Reviewed in Italy on February 6, 2023
    Molto divulgativo e di parte, ma istruttivo per orientarsi nella selva di generi che vengono protocollati secondo la mentalità angloamericana. Giustissimo stigmatizzare l’alto grado di pregiudizi culturali, sociali, intellettuali che caratterizzano le culture occidentali. Tuttavia forse la questione potrebbe essere trattata in senso più generale, nel pieno rispetto del diritto alle differenze individuali che ci caratterizzano.
  • Musicals Fan
    5.0 out of 5 stars Well written, informative but most of all kind!
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 29, 2018
    Can a book be kind? This one is! I had a real sense that the authors wrote the book from a place of real kindness as throughout the book there are suggested pauses to reflect and to have a 'self-care' break. No chance of being emotionally overloaded by the book's contents.
    I identity as a cis gender gay man and I felt that Alex and MJ invited me and then drew me into the fascinating world of gender. I learnt a great deal and still want to learn more; this is a book about opening up your mind to the exciting possibilities of a world where people are free to be themselves and we can celebrate and affirm that.
    By the end of the book I felt uplifted and energised - this book switches you on to 'possibilities' and as therapist I feel that can only be a very good thing for me and for my clients!
  • Vik
    4.0 out of 5 stars my gender and i are now good friends - thank you
    Reviewed in Germany on August 28, 2022
    helped a lot. we got our gender from a shelter and the little critter was incomprehensible at first, barking at the weirdest moments. having read the book half-way through i can already get a better feel for them.

    the book also helped me learn about their diet, (wich has been nail-polish and eyeliner based so far!) and we're trying to switch them over towards a tattoo diet. they've already been a lot happier with cheap temporary ones. :)
    letting them listen to music is important! find out their favorite music genre, it keeps them calm and happy. also they need time outside the enclosure, way more than you (well.. we in this case) expect!

    with all this knowledge we're considering getting another one ^^ (though we'd need a bigger cage first)
    #adoptdontshop #rescue
  • Cara C.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Comprehensive and gentle guide to gender
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 29, 2017
    While this book seems more aimed at people that have not considered gender at great length, it has many exercises, and references to further reading, which will be invaluable.

    I’d also recommend this book to anyone who has a trans friend or family member, or just wants a handle on what gender really is, rather than assuming they already know.
  • Lisa
    4.0 out of 5 stars Good for understanding topic
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 1, 2019
    Good book for explaining terms etc